I had just sat down on a little bridge within a great park. The wind was whipping everything in sight, and we feared the cloud over. Our photographer, however, felt just the opposite.
“This weather is PERFECT!” she exclaimed.
It was awkward to sit on the bridge – especially since we were at a particularly prominent curve so I felt like I was going to fall to one side at any moment.
I waited for Adrian to attempt to sit down facing me, as per our instructions.
Instead, he fumbled a bit and said, “Take a picture of this.”
I felt, once again, like a joke made in Spanish was only confusing me. I didn’t get it.
Then he proceeded to crouch down and hand me a small, black box.
“Will you marry me?”
I didn’t even hear him say it, I was so shocked. Not because I didn’t know it was coming – we actually got engaged a month prior without rings or proposals. I even sent him my Secret board on Pinterest with example rings, something I never thought I personally would do.
I can’t believe that snapshot of my life, that moment, was such a blur to me. I looked at the ring he had commissioned – despite all his complaints about the process, he had made my perfect ring – and tears began to flow.
The photographer was snapping photos, even as much as she wished we were in a different position than me, sitting cross-legged, him, crouching above me.
“What will you say?” she asked.
You probably know the answer.
Later, when we went out in our party clothes to toast and celebrate this formal engagement, I couldn’t stop smiling.
“This doesn’t feel like real life,” I said. It was impossible for something so great to be happening.
“We don’t deserve to have good things in our lives?” he asked me.
Despite all the affirmations, mantras, meditations, and coaching, after all the personal development courses and traveling and amazing breakthroughs – that’s what it came down to.
No matter what happens, or what good things I bring into my life, that little part in the back of my brain always questions my worthiness of them.
Oh yay, I got a client! Followed by…but omg it’s so embarrassing that I only have one client right now.
Hoorah! Living in Bolivia & the USA, dream life central come to fruition. Followed by… but this isn’t really traveling and seeing the world, only living in 2 places. (Yeah, I know.)
Holy shiiiiiiit I just got engaged to my favorite person ever, the one who I’ve always known deep down was great for me despite everything. Followed by… OMG how long can this last & what if we fuck it up & what if it’s too soon & who am I to get engaged, I always said I wasn’t gonna get married, then I said I’d wait till gay marriage was legal in all 50 states, then now it IS legal in all 50 states just in time to get married, but I was going to do it before that anyway, where are my morals?!
So, as you can see, no happily ever engaged people over here. Super happy, yes, but not ever after. Also, terrified. Not many people mention that in their announcements, but I know they all feel it.
I also know that I deserve to be happy. And that you do, too. Not that happiness always comes in the form of getting engaged. I believe many people think that it will bring them happiness, but the reality is that this happiness will wear off. It will fade into the happiness of being myself with the person I love, working at it each day.
True happiness is something we hold inside of ourselves, and it can’t be brought to us by a man or money or anything outside of us. But if you feel you deserve happiness – are truly worthy of it – then I believe external circumstances will align to reaffirm those beliefs.
And guess what… worthiness TOTALLY grows on trees!
[bctt tweet=”And guess what… worthiness TOTALLY grows on trees!”]
But…
You are not worthy because of your sins or lack thereof.
You are not worthy because you’ve suffered or rejoiced or been grateful.
You are not worthy because you drink green juice or get your yearly check-up.
You are definitely not worthy because of what’s in your home, wallet, on your person, or even in your heart.
You are worthy because you were born. Because you exist in this world.
Worthy of light and love, and even the darkness and suffering that makes you grow stronger. You are worthy of this experience.
You’re worthy of your range of emotions and of the characters you play.
Worthy of making decisions and changing your mind.
Worthy of being and doing and having and seeing and learning.
So do and have and see and learn.
But especially BE. Be that worthiness.
Now excuse me while I go look at my ring in the sunlight 5 million more times (who have I become?!)
Have a delightful day!
In love and guts,
